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I'm really in a place that i am not sure what to do with.  For the third time this week I've "lost time".  Came home, started the evening routine.  Set up my computer, turned the boob tube on so it made noise to numb the mind - and I don't remember the next hour or so.

Some people say a man is made outta mud
A poor man's made otta uscle and blood
Muscle and blood and skin and bones
A mind that a-weak and a back that' strong."

Pain was what disturbed me, I think.  Pain in my ankle because I was somehow laying half on the bed, foot resting on the wall and my head half laying on my laptop bag.  I was laying on the bed.  My thoughts immediately started ... in line with the ongoing dialog that had started as I walked in the door.

You load sixteen tons, whadaya get?
Another day older and deeper in debt.
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store."

It is not exactly depression.  I'm not depressed really at all - laugh all the time, can see a lot of joy in life - I'm just tired.  I don't sleep, I can't wake up - but I'm tired.  Bone tired, mind tired but even more so - tired in my soul.


I've been doing some creative writing - I think its some of what has kept me focused.  Talked with friends a bit - they make me feel alive even when its just a brief note, or exchanged word.  I feel like I am complaining all the time.

I was born one mornin' when the sun didn't shine
I picked up my shovel and I walked to the mine
I loaded sixteen tons of number nine coal
And the Straw bos said "Well a-bless my soul"

I have lost myself - so badly that even though I am supposedly "taking steps" to yank myself out of the pit I've made for myself by ... doing the right thing - that I sometimes wonder if I will ever wake up.

You load sixteen tons, what do you get
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store

How can work that is so far from physical that its amazing there is any tone to any parts of my body at all be so draining?  How can I allow myself to get to a point that I care what some anal retentive prick "thinks is the right way" that it puts me off most of the day?

I was born one monrin', it was drizzlin' rain
Fightin' and trouble are my middle name
I was raised in the banebrake by an ol' mama lion
Ain't no-a high-toned woman make me walk the line

Its odd sometimes. When you're at a place in life and some fairly "mindless" piece of entertainment appears on a glowing cancer screen.  And you're reminded again of the things you value in life.  Somewhere, hidden so far at times that even I can't see it - is me.
I load sixteen tons, what do you get
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don't youcall me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store

I blinked, didn't watch? Who knows. I let myself fall too far over that razor's edge of "working for a living/success to allow yourself freedom" and "being sucked into a soul sucking void."  Its not new for me - I've been "successful" now what, 4? 5 times after starting over with nothing again?    Problem is - this time I don't FEEL like starting completely over - but, I think thats just a trap.

If you see me comin', better step aside
A lotta men didn't, a lotta men died
One fist of iron, the other of steel
If the right one don't a-get you
Then the left one will

Joe verses the Volcano.  I've always loved this movie.  Some of made fun of me for it - it is far from the most popular thing in the world.  But I think it has a lot of important, simple things to say - without being pretentious. 

The "opening song" has been a favorite since I can remember - I used to sing that song when I was six.  At different times, I've found myself humming it, the words running through my mind.  The song brings me strength, a renewed sense of vigor. 
You load sixten tons, what do you get
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store


I have nothing to compare to it - I've worked manual labor only a few times in my life - funny thing is - even when it was dirty, horrid work, looking back I was .. content doing that work.  I love being out in the world.  Problem is - if I'm "skilled" beyond just passable with anything, its "Systems" and Computers in particular. 

And - even though I had a burst of energy - I'm running out of steam.  Again, I've started to write something only to find myself running out of steam, direction.  ALMOST to the point where I can "close" and I lose it.



It is truly a wonder that I have ever managed to get laid in my life.  I suck at the closing.


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bobthebadger

September 2011

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